My Pregnancy Story

I remember the first day something felt off, March 13th. Daniel was invited to the closing of Gotham Bar & Grill. He wanted to go and photograph it and socialize (as we both knew we were heading upstate the next day and probably wouldn't see another soul for weeks). I wanted to join him! It sounded amazing, but as the day went on I started feeling pretty sick. Just run down, a bit of a headache.. nothing crazy, but with talks of Corona swarming my brain I was convinced I had it and decided I should stay home. So I did.

The next morning we drove up to the Catskills to the Airbnb.

Here I am at the AirBNB! Please note the first of many intense hormonal breakouts I would be experiencing in the next few months. I did not know it then.

The next few weeks were filled with lazy couch days and obsessive thoughts of having corona. Hence my disappearance from social media if anyone noticed 😅 also, MAJOR mood swings. I was so incredibly down. I attributed it to the change in lifestyle, missing friends, my home etc, but it felt intense and I really wasn't sure what was wrong with me. 

After having some hormonal issues the last few months (I'll get into that later) I figured maybe it was getting worse. I just felt so lost and confused. We decided to call DK’s stepmom who's a nurse and tell her how I've been feeling. We spoke and she told me not to stress and gave me some helpful advice (as I really didn't want to go to any doctors or hospitals at the moment). About 5 minutes later she called Daniel back and said "Maxey should take a pregnancy test". We both kind of laughed it off.

Remember the hormonal issues I mentioned earlier? Well, long story short at the end of last year I started experiencing some unique symptoms and I knew something was off. I figured maybe I was pregnant? My hormones were definitely out of whack. I hadn't had a regular period in months (after years of being extremely regular), my skin was filled with cystic acne (something I had never had before) and I was experiencing leaking breasts (this was definitely the most alarming part). I made an appointment to see my Gynecologist and was terrified. Honestly, at that moment I didn’t feel ready to be pregnant. I knew Daniel was going to be the man I was going to make a family with- I just didn't feel fully prepared. But I went into it open minded and eager to get answers. I immediately was given the negative pregnancy results and then I was even more concerned. I had some blood work done so they could understand what was going on. A few days later I got the results and after a long winded explanation of what was happening- I was told it could be many things, but most likely I had something called Prolactinoma and I was told I was most likely infertile and if I wanted children- it was going to be a struggle. I was absolutely devastated. Even though in that moment I wasn't necessarily trying for one- hearing those words felt earth shattering.

If you are reading this and experiencing similar conversations. Please know I understand how hard it is. You are not alone and it is not your fault. I’m hoping my story can be somewhat uplifting, but I really don’t want to trigger anyone and if you need to close out this tab- please do.

So, now let’s fast forward back to Daniel's step mom telling me to take a pregnancy test. A mere 3 months after my initial diagnosis and me laughing at the idea. We decided to just get a pregnancy test to rule things out again. I ran into the CVS, mask on, terrified as it was my first time being out in public in a month (It was April 11th). I went to the women's health aisle and grabbed a test. I remember thinking I only needed one. Like why do they even sell two in a pack?? So I grabbed my solo test and headed to the register. I exchanged some causalities with the sweet woman behind the counter and as she rung up the test she made a light joke about "nothing else to do in quarantine, right?!" I laughed. And she added " I hope it goes well. Congratulations if it does! I have a really good feeling". I instantly broke down. Smiled, thanked her through my tears, and left.

I got into the car and said

"Daniel, I really, really hope I'm pregnant"

He smiled the biggest smile and said "Me too, babe."

In the few months since the original diagnosis it felt like my whole world had turned upside. Suddenly we were miles from home, we were both out of work, terrified of the future and yet nothing mattered to us, but us. I've mentioned this a lot, but I feel like this time during quarantine has really allowed me to take a deep look into my life. To figure out where my priorities are and what truly makes me happy. In that moment what made me happy was Daniel, the life we were building together, slowing down and just living.

We got home and I ran right into the bathroom. I took the test and walked out. I knew I couldn't just sit there while it was brewing with the results. I would have gone crazy. Daniel was in the kitchen putting the groceries away and I just sat on the bed. Thinking about how I'd feel, about what we'd do. My mind was racing even though I really was convinced it would be negative. I opened the door and looked at the test….

I was stunned.. shocked. Confused!!! Why is that line not that dark?! What does that even mean???? Am I pregnant?! Whats happening?!

"DANIEL!! COME HERE!"

"What happened?!"

"I think I'm pregnant"

I started crying hysterically. I couldn't really tell you why. Fear, happiness, excitement, confusion all at once and more intensely than I've ever felt before. Daniel shared the same exact reaction.

"I can't tell though. The line is so light??" He told me to take another one. 😑😑😑😑

Ooooooh. This is why you buy more than one pregnancy test.

He said he'd go run out and buy some more. So, he drove off to CVS and I decided to go for a walk and get some fresh air. That hour will live in my mind forever. There was a small opening in our yard that opens to this beautiful hiking trail. I took a walk. The sun was so strong that day and it forced its way through the trees onto this huge rock covered in moss. It looked like a scene from a fairy tale. I sat on the rock and just sat... Thinking about my life. What I've accomplished, what was going to change, what we needed to do. It was a lot. So many emotions, thoughts, and feelings ran through my mind, but at the end of it all, it just felt like this…

I took this selfie on my walk.

Daniel came home with 3 boxes of tests. All different brands and a massive smile on his face.. Right from the beginning, he was the strength I needed. His happiness and confidence oozed from his pores. 

After taking another uncertain test. I decided to hold off and wait until the next morning. Every website says to wait until the morning- my advice to you… listen to it! The next morning we woke up and it was very obvious. I was pregnant!

I video chatted my mom right away. 

"Mom, I think I'm pregnant"

I don't think I've seen my mom smile that big in years. She asked, "how are you feeling?" I told her I was confused. We talked about how just 4 months ago I was told I was infertile. So, this just didn't seem real. And let me just tell you guys- it didn't feel "real" for quite some time. My mom asked if we were trying and Daniel responded "I've been trying since the day I met her" 😅 god, I love that man.

So, I called my gynecologist the next day and asked what to do. I was obviously incredibly confused and they didn't seem phased at all. “Sometimes you just get lucky”… ok thanks for the help. But honestly I did feel lucky. I could not tell you how it happened. I really wish I knew. And I wish I could give you all a recipe for some secret sauce I was using, but it just feels beyond me. After talking with friends, family, my therapist, and reading about it a ton I've come to terms with the fact that sometimes our bodies are just a mystery.

So my doctor suggested getting an ultrasound to double check and to see how far along I was. I didn't want to go back to the city and they suggested going to a radiologist in town. I called up a radiologist and I couldn't get an appointment for a week and a half… so the waiting game begins.

Now, I'm sure if life were "normal" it wouldn't have been so bad but that week and a half felt like a lifetime. I didn't have much to do, I felt like utter SHIT, and my emotions were through the roof!

Finally it was the day of my ultrasound.

Here we are in the parking lot of the Radiologist waiting to go inside.

I was told I needed to drink 30 ounces of water before my test to make sure my bladder was full. I drank the water on our 45 min car ride to the office and by the time I got there I had to go SO BAD. Like SO BAD. I was crying in the car from pain. Poor Daniel- he truly is such a trooper. He took care of me every day with a huge smile on his face..may I just say god, I love that man. 

Because of Corona the process was a bit different. We had to wait in the car and someone would come to our window with our paperwork. I filled it out and waited for a phone call telling me to come inside. So, with my mask on and trying with all my might not to pee my pants- I walked in. I'm almost grateful I had to pee so bad, because it took away all the energy to feel any other emotions at that point. I walked down the long hallway, into the room. I forgot to mention, Daniel wasn't allowed in with me. It was sad, but we both were understanding and I had planned to video chat him so he could see. I laid down and joked about how bad I had to pee and she said "yea, that's why there's a bathroom in this room. Don't worry you'll be able to go really soon!" I tried calling DK and the call wouldn’t go through. I was in so much pain (the pee), so nervous, overwhelmed, and emotional. The call just wouldn’t work and then I dropped my phone under the table (of course..)!

She asked if I wanted to grab it and I just said “no, it’s fine.”

And she said "ok good, because there's the heartbeat”

I looked at the screen. And there it was… now guys let me tell you… I didn't see much, but I did see the flicker. It was real. I really, really was pregnant. It settled in, the urge to pee went away and I started laughing. I couldn't believe it. I had dreamed of this moment my entire life and here it was. In some random town in the Catskills, during a pandemic, wearing a n95 mask and dish gloves. I was pregnant and I was so happy. 

It was over really fast. She measured me at about 8 weeks and 4 days. Told me I could use the restroom (thank god) and sent me on my way with a picture in hand. I was in and out in 5 minutes. 

I ran to the car, took off my mask, sanitized, and showed Daniel our baby.

He said, "where is it?" 😅

The next few weeks were a blur. Let me just tell you- my first trimester was HARD. I know they say every woman is different and has a different experience. Well, mine was rough. I was nauseous every day and fuck "morning" sickness. It was from the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep. And the type of nausea where all you wanted to do was puke, but you didn't. I think I puked only a handful of times throughout the first 3 months, but it was the bloating that did me in. It felt like that bloat you get on your period where it's crampy and painful to the touch. I keep describing my pregnancy as having my period times 100 and every single day. I was exhausted always and sad ALWAYS. You hear about postpartum depression all the time, but you never hear about depression during pregnancy.

I've really never been a depressed person, but mental illness runs in my family so I'm no stranger to it. I knew it was depression from the get-go. I felt inexplicably sad. I had no motivation to do anything. Of course, the pandemic, no work coming in, added animosity from people on the internet, lack of sunshine, and missing my friends; I'm sure all added to it, but still. I wasn't myself. My therapist explained it was normal and no matter how much she said it and how many articles I read about how "normal" it is. Nothing helped. 

So, if you're reading this and you're in your first trimester. I get it. Not everyone experiences such intense mood shifts, but if you are- I promise it is normal and IT DOES go away! It's so hard not being able to tell people why you're sad. It's the hardest secret to keep in the world and you're only keeping it to protect yourself. It was definitely my most challenging couple of months I've experienced. Pregnancy hormones are no joke.

Around 11 weeks the bloating and heartburn let up, but falling asleep felt impossible and nights were always tough.

Week 12 brought the first doctor appointment! I have been waiting for this week since the day I found out I was pregnant. I wouldn't be able to meet my doctor until this time because they told me it wasn’t necessary. All I needed was that first ultrasound as confirmation then you just wait (puke) it out until about 12 weeks. 

Week 12 also meant the baby was the size of a lime. I used The Bump app. I sent this picture to everyone who knew about the baby at that point. Limes never felt SO big.

This week also started with my birthday. Sunday, mother's day, May 10th. I woke up around 8am (which is the latest I've been able to sleep in months) to DK asking me to come get my gift in the kitchen. I was shocked. What could he have bought me? I didn't want/ask for anything besides…

Now, let me just take it back for a minute. I'd say the last year or so we talked about getting engaged. I always dreamed of getting engaged on my 30th birthday and he knew that, but he always played it cool. "It'll happen, babe". We started ring shopping in the beginning of 2020. Scouring the internet, Pinterest, etc. (Around the time #allhandsaregoodhands was born!) But we started checking out stores in late February. The last store we went to was Mociun in Brooklyn and I was SO excited. I loved their style of rings. I didn't know what I wanted, but I figured they’d be able to direct me. DK exchanged info with them and they were emailing to set up a consultation, but then our whole world flipped. Corona hit and we left the city pretty fast. I dropped the conversation with Daniel. It just felt like it wasn't going to happen anymore. We never chose a ring, we relocated hours from our home, and honestly it just felt a little silly to focus on it. I didn't want him to feel the pressure during such a difficult time- so I just dropped it. I figured after this madness was over we'd just pick up where we left off. 

Now back to me waking up and being told my gift was in the kitchen waiting for me. Again, I had NO clue what it could be. For the last year the only I gift I said I wanted was a ring! And now knowing that that wasn't possible I was so confused. So, fresh out of bed. No brush to my hair, brush to my teeth, or an ounce of cuteness in sight I walked to the table to see an open laptop and a bowl of fruit. I sat down and he told me to watch the video. 

A homemade music video started playing (something he had joked about making earlier and I never took too seriously) and I was laughing immediately. I expected my friends to come on screen and make their debut, but as the scenes kept changing and more adorably hysterical shots of DK kept coming up I started really listening to the words "I'm going to make you my wife". I started crying. I won't ruin the end- instead I'll link the video here so you can enjoy the quarantined proposal of my dreams. It was over and I turned to my left, glasses totally fogged up from tears, I (barely) saw DK kneeling next to me, shaking, crying, and god I wish so badly I remember what he said to me in that moment and so does he. But we were hysterical. I said yes and we cried into each other's arms. I couldn't believe it- honestly! It's just that moment you think about for so long and there it was. 

I was engaged to the man of my dreams. My birthday was a total high. Overwhelming amount of happy emotions. I was asleep by 7pm.

Unbrushed hair & fogged up glasses.

Here’s the kitchen table. Please note DK in the background (still in his robe).

The next few days were honestly a bit hard. I was getting non stop calls, texts, comments, DMs congratulating me and telling me how this was going to be the happiest time in my life. And I tried so hard to respond positively. But inside I was holding back tears (for no real reason), holding back the verge to puke all over everything, and just burst out and say I was pregnant and this shit IS SO HARD. But I kept it to myself and embraced all the love I was getting from friends and strangers all over the world. I really was happy. And I so badly wish I could’ve felt things differently looking back at that time now, but unfortunately we don’t have control over some things.

After a few days of pretty much being glued to my bed- we had our first trimester doctors appointment. Something I had on the calendar since I found out I was pregnant weeks prior. Literally I was counting down the minutes until May 14th more than I was my 30th birthday only 4 days ago. We were getting to meet the doctor who was going to be working with me throughout my pregnancy and ultimately find out if everything is okay. 

Finally it was the day of our first appointment and thankfully DK was allowed in with me this time. We got to meet our new Doctor. It was a typical first visit. A million questions about my family history and asking how the last few months had been for me. I was sitting up on the table while DK and I were chatting about the insane amount of tests specifically two Ashkenazi Jews have to take when all of a sudden I heard it. I said "is that the heartbeat?!" And she joked and said "yup, I was trying to surprise you!" I couldn't believe it.

First of all, it's still really there! Everything was ok! Hearing that sound for the first time was a feeling I couldn't fully describe. It just felt real. It was happening. I get to meet this creature one day. And it's growing inside me right now.

So that sums up my first trimester. I wrote this blog around Week 14 (June 2nd) using my memory and also snippets from a diary I was keeping. I was finally starting to feel like myself again (which I will get more into when I talk about the 2nd trimester), but I’ll leave you with this. I had a challenging first trimester for a few different reasons, but everyone has their own journey and experience. I wanted to share my very honest version because during it all- I felt alone. I didn’t see any depictions of this on social media. I literally had to search #pregnancydepression on IG to feel any sort of camaraderie. But it is normal and I’m so grateful to have had my therapist through those first 3 months. Pregnancy is hard and your body goes through some really extreme changes that I didn’t fully understand. If you’re in your first trimester and need someone to talk to- I’m here for you.